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I REMEMBER CARMEN'S VELVET BREASTS
By Arnold Hofmann, CDR, SC USN-Retired
U.S.S. REEVES (DLG-24)
Once upon a time, many years ago, before draconian rules of political
correctness, before everyone was offended by everything, there was an Executive
Officer on USS Reeves, DLG 24, Commander Daniel Richardson, who owned a picture
of a beautiful lady. She was
painted on black velvet, which coincidentally showed a beautiful perky bare
breast. I knew her as Carmen.
Now it came to pass that the USS Reeves was
in port Subic Bay, PI when CDR Richardson received orders to detach immediately
and to report to his next duty station. As
he was leaving the ship, he stopped to say goodbye to LCDR Dave Ruble, the
Supply Officer, and gave him his beautiful velvet painting of Carmen as a gift.
LCDR Ruble, recognizing the sentimental value of this painting, kept it
safe during the remainder of the deployment.
Several
months later when the USS Reeves returned to her home port in Pearl Harbor,
Hawaii, LCDR Ruble happen to inquire at the Supply Center Household Goods
Office, whether or not CDR Richardson’s household goods had been shipped yet.
As luck would have it, all of his possessions were crated and in the
warehouse awaiting shipment. With
the help of the officer in charge of the household goods section, they opened
one of the crates and inserted Carmen. Just
imagine the surprise and delight of CDR Richardson and his wife when they moved
into their new home.
As time passed, CDR Richardson found a way
to have Carmen rejoin LCDR Ruble, who found a way to have Carmen returned to
CAPT Richardson, who returned her to CDR Ruble.
Now CDR Ruble flinched when it came time to send Carmen back to Rear
Admiral Richardson. After all, CDR
Ruble was himself trying to amount to something.
The cad then summarily abandoned Carmen.
He not only abandoned her, but sold her to Mr. Wilson Mebane, a chemist
at the Manchester Fuel Depot, for $5, to seal the deal forever.
About 5 years later, when I was the Commander of the
Manchester Fuel Depot, I heard the story about Carmen.
I was so moved by the story that I called Wilson into the office and
asked him if he still had Carmen. He
said he had sold her to one of the laborers a few years ago for $10 but he
thought that the laborer might still have her.
I told him I wanted to buy her back.
With a big grin and an obvious chance to make a buck, Wilson said he
would make some inquiries. He later
reported back with a big smile and said that he could buy her back, but she
wouldn’t be cheap. After some
negotiations, I bought Carmen back for $20.
Now about that time, Commander Ruble had been selected
for Captain and his new assignment
was to be Commanding Officer, Navy Petroleum Office.
I had previously been Executive Officer there and knew most of the
people. I sent Carmen with a letter
from the Manchester Fine Arts Commission telling how the commission was all
puffed up with pride over Ruble’s promotion and asked to have this painting
presented to him for his promotion to Captain.
Carmen was presented to him at an all employee meeting.
Just imagine, no one was offended. There
were no hot line calls or grievances to human resources about the nature of the
painting. Those were the “good
old days”.
As timing and coincident happen, Captain Ruble finished his tour and was
reassigned to Commander Surface Force Atlantic Fleet in Norfolk, Virginia.
I happen to be in Washington D.C. and stopped to say hello to my friend
Captain Jan Carstanjen the new Commanding Officer of Navy Petroleum Office.
As I was leaving the office, I noticed the edge of something familiar
sticking out from behind a book cabinet and lo and behold there was Carmen,
abandoned again. I told Jan the
story and took her with me. I
quickly arranged to have her sent to my friend Commander Gary Cornelison in
Norfolk where he had her hung on the office wall to greet Captain Ruble on his
first day in his new job. Mission
accomplished, but of course this time I disavowed any knowledge of Carmen’s
whereabouts.
A couple of years later I retired from the Navy and I was back in Everett,
Washington when a package arrived at my office.
Guess what, Carmen was sent back to me to adorn a new club house that I
had built. She was as pretty as
ever but I knew in my heart that she would never be mine.
As
talent and luck would have it, Captain Ruble was promoted to Rear Admiral and
his first admiral’s job was Deputy Commander, Naval Supply Systems Command,
Washington D. C..
You already know what happened next, but it wasn’t easy.
Very few people are willing to mess with an admiral’s sense of humor. It took some searching to find someone willing to deliver the
goods. Captain Ralph Collins agreed
to get Carmen on the wall of the Admiral’s new office when he arrived on his
first day of work. Mission
accomplished.
When Admiral Ruble subsequently tried to return Carmen to me again, she was
lost in transit. All we have left
is a photograph and our memories. She
was a high mileage babe, but we loved her. Carmen, if you’re still out there, we miss you.
Please come back.
 
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